The Second Shift

Before I got married and had a child, I was a little, how should we say naïve. I assumed that once I entered into family life, I would be able to come and go as I pleased, delegate all the housework to my doting wife, and shine through as the hero of the family at all times, in all situations.

Yeah. I can hear the guffaws and gasps through the computer screen. I’m right along with you!

Real life, as it turns out, doesn’t work like that. If I want my wife to actually like me, let alone love me, she needs to know I’m in. That she’s not alone.

How General Education Classes Changed My Life

When I look at when the seed of change was planted in my mind, I trace it back to a sociology class I took in college. It was my freshman year at the University of Northern Iowa. I was in the class as a part of my required general education classes, but Professor Sandstrom uttered a phrase that I remember to this day:

The Second Shift.

When a mom and dad work a full day they inevitably come home to the demands of the family. Dinner, dishes, laundry, kids, homework–it all needs to be done. The Second Shift occurs when Dad checks out after he comes home for the day and leaves all the housework to Mom. She is forced to pick up a “second shift,” thus the term. Both Dad and Mom have put in equal hours either in the workplace or at home, yet Dad gets to put his feet up and watch Monday Night Football while Mom slaves away.

I remember resolving that day to never make my wife work “the second shift.” Something about it, even in my I’m-19-years-old-and-don’t-have-a-clue-about-what-real-life-is-like mentality knew it wasn’t right.

Turns out, it’s not.

Mutual Submission Means Joining the Second Shift

One of the fundamental passages from Scripture I include in nearly all of my wedding messages comes from Ephesians. Paul writes, “Husbands and wives … submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” I include that because I want to drive the message home, mostly to the men, that they are called to put the other person first in marriage. Amongst other things, that means not abandoning your wife to shoulder the second shift on her own.

I wish I could say I’ve been perfect in this area in my own marriage, but I haven’t. Naivete dies a slow death.

That being said, I’m propelled to do better because I want my wife to know how much she’s valued. I want her to know that I see her as a smart, capable, feisty and insightful human being, not just the person who does the dishes or changes our son’s dirty diapers. She is more than the second shift.

A Challenge For the Marrieds

I want to close with a challenge, both to the men and the women who are married:

Women: Have you wrongly assumed that the second shift is all your responsibility? “That’s the way it’s always been done,” you say. If so, I want to challenge you to ask your husband for help. Not in a “I’m in a jam and need your help just this one time” kind of way, but in a “I am happy to take on these responsibilities, but you need to join me in shouldering them.”

Men: O Passive Man, what will it take to get you to take responsibility around the home? Will it take a breakdown from your wife? Years of residual resentment stockpiled up due to your inactivity? Do this one thing when you go home to your family tonight: Ask your wife, “How can I help you right now?” or “What needs to be done around here?” The words aren’t terribly important, just make sure she knows she’s more than a maid. Reject passivity. Your wife is more than a second shift.

What do you think? The Second Shift mentality is deeply engrained into our culture, so I would imagine that many of you may bristle at this post. Let’s hear what you think. Sound off!