The Myth of the One
Working mostly with people in their 20′s, one of the most frequent questions I hear is “How do I know if he or she is the one?â€Â
You know–the one: The one who is supposed to:
- Be the love of my life.
- Fulfill my every need, want and desire–sexually, emotionally, spiritually and otherwise.
- Take away my loneliness.
- Know exactly what I’m thinking at all times and in all places.
- Take care of me and always maintain a pleasant disposition towards me.
- Know how I like my eggs and have them prepared for me every morning with a glass of freshly squeezed organic orange juice, accompanied by a haiku poem highlighting all the wonderful qualities of my effervescent and unequaled personality.
WHERE IS THAT ONE!
My immediate answer, of course, is that they don’t exist. You’re not looking for one, you’re looking for 100. No one person can match all the expectations that society and our own emotional baggage create for the person that God has intended for us to love forever. The reality is that we’re lonely people with a Grand Canyon of emotional needs that no one person could fulfill.
I heard it said once in a sermon by a pastor I respect: “My wife,” he said, “makes a wonderful wife and beautiful companion. But she makes a horrible God!â€Â
To that I say, “Amen.â€Â
The point he was getting at was that often times in this culture we’re conditioned to look to another creature to have needs met that God and only God can provide. My wife is a wonderful wife, but once I start looking to her for ultimate completion in life, I run the risk of making her into an idol. I put her in the place of The One–the One True God.
That’s not fair to her or to me.
As we like to pray in our house, “Show us LORD how we compliment each other–not complete each other.†The Jerry McGuire line of “you complete me†is good Hollywood movie script fodder, but is it reality? Most of our experiences would tell us “no, it’s not.”
God has created us as unique, individual and complete persons with a profound need and capacity for relationship.
This is good.
What is not so good is to suggest that we, in some way, are not whole without the love of another human being. That’s called codependency and it’s not good.
Whether you’re single or dating seriously or even engaged, realize that there are hundreds of thousands of people you could be compatible with. The person you end up marrying is, of course, your one (and only, I might add).
In light of the post-Valentine’s Day glow, how does this notion sit with you? The myth of the one?
As someone who has not found “the one” yet this is nice to read. And i think you hit the nail on the head, sometimes we promote our spouse as God and not a spouse, at least that is what I have noticed. I myself am very capable of this.
once again–extremely insightful! having been married for 5 years to a true soulmate, after a “seeking God” process which included the litmus of “right person, right reason, right time”, i am a big fan of “the one” concept, and truly believe that i have been blessed with that one. now that said, i have definitely been guilty of unhealthily “deifying” him, and slipping into an A-frame mentality (two sides leaning on one another like the letter A) rather than the H-frame (two sides solidly standing together yet connected like the letter H). i can testify to the importance of both of us nurturing our own and each other's individual experience with God, our own interests, our own independent friendships, etc.. after an 18 year life era as a single mom, it would have been much easier for me to just be “the missus” and fade into the background as a passive dependent wife. thank God i rose above those faulty instincts, and i married someone who not only wouldn't support that approach, but who has for 5 years been an active supporter of the opposite. we haven't become “brandina” like a celeb couple, but as “brandon and tina” he, I, and we are all stronger and more in love than ever, by super-heaping daily doses of grace and laughter! peace, tina
Hey Justin! Interesting post. Thanks. I feel strongly both ways on this…
In other words, while I don't necessarily believe (A) that any one person can be the ONE that “completes” us (that's an identity crisis), I do believe that in many cases, God does have ONE in mind for you to be with. My bride of 15 years is a miraculous fit for me – a God chosen match, I'm convinced. We both had to learn the error of thinking (A) above to maintain a healthy relationship, though. But… she is MY one. Ultimately, the makings of a thriving, romantic, passionate, deeply rewarding marriage are SUPERNATURAL, as both people learn to be Christlike and full of the Holy Spirit, AND both people have tremendous grace for one another. Just spoke about this at our church on Sunday >> http://su.pr/1jnUBc. Love your blog, brother. Both beautiful and insightful. God bless!
Tina … This may the best comment we've had on here in awhile. Well stated!
once again–extremely insightful! having been married for 5 years to a true soulmate, after a “seeking God” process which included the litmus of “right person, right reason, right time”, i am a big fan of “the one” concept, and truly believe that i have been blessed with that one. now that said, i have definitely been guilty of unhealthily “deifying” him, and slipping into an A-frame mentality (two sides leaning on one another like the letter A) rather than the H-frame (two sides solidly standing together yet connected like the letter H). i can testify to the importance of both of us nurturing our own and each other's individual experience with God, our own interests, our own independent friendships, etc.. after an 18 year life era as a single mom, it would have been much easier for me to just be “the missus” and fade into the background as a passive dependent wife. thank God i rose above those faulty instincts, and i married someone who not only wouldn't support that approach, but who has for 5 years been an active supporter of the opposite. we haven't become “brandina” like a celeb couple, but as “brandon and tina” he, I, and we are all stronger and more in love than ever, by super-heaping daily doses of grace and laughter! peace, tina
Hey Justin! Interesting post. Thanks. I feel strongly both ways on this…
In other words, while I don't necessarily believe (A) that any one person can be the ONE that “completes” us (that's an identity crisis), I do believe that in many cases, God does have ONE in mind for you to be with. My bride of 15 years is a miraculous fit for me – a God chosen match, I'm convinced. We both had to learn the error of thinking (A) above to maintain a healthy relationship, though. But… she is MY one. Ultimately, the makings of a thriving, romantic, passionate, deeply rewarding marriage are SUPERNATURAL, as both people learn to be Christlike and full of the Holy Spirit, AND both people have tremendous grace for one another. Just spoke about this at our church on Sunday >> http://su.pr/1jnUBc. Love your blog, brother. Both beautiful and insightful. God bless!
Tina … This may the best comment we've had on here in awhile. Well stated!