The 21st Century Church: The Pastor’s Wife
This is the sixth post in the series “The 21st Century Church†here on BeDeviant.com. You can read the rest of the posts here.
As we saw earlier this week, sometimes pastors are looked to for perfection. In the comments of that post, a few of you suggested we take a look at pastors wives.
So we will.
Why? If the role of the pastor needs to be re-imagined for the 21st Century Church, the role of the pastors wife definitely needs to be re-looked at as well. Pastors wives got it rough. Mostly because they are part of a system that they cannot directly influence through positional authority. Only relational. And sometimes those relationships are difficult to navigate.
Below is a portion of post originally written in 2005 by Amy Andrews over at WithPurpose.com. Amy is a “former” pastor’s wife, her husband has since left ministry. I contacted Amy and asked if I could reprint her post here and she gracefully agreed. A lot has happened for Amy and her family since 2005, so you can read a “follow-up” interview with her here.
See if you don’t identify with any of these or see them at work in the church you worship at:
1. You know you’re a pastor’s wife when…you are rarely referred to by your given name. You are most often “The Pastor’s Wife†or a variation on that theme (â€ÂPastor ______’s Wife,†“Married to the Pastor,†etc.). You may even be called “The First Lady†(which I find personally unnervingâ€â€I don’t know why). In our church, there’s a guy from Brooklyn, NY who calls me “The Underboss.†Now THAT I can handle.
2. You know you’re a pastor’s wife when…people act weird around you. I was once in a conversation with a group of adults when one woman said, “Yeah, I haven’t been to church in a while.†As soon as she said it, she looked at me with an “I’ve been caught†look and then she said, “Oops…busted.†For the record, I don’t take attendance. I am not a babysitter. And my general feeling is that adults can and should make their own decision about if and when they attend church. Heck, it takes all my energy to make sure I make it to church let alone the rest of the population.
3. You know you’re a pastor’s wife when…you relate best to anyone NOT in your church. This is largely due to #2, however it’s also because you don’t know how to deal with the I – have – no – idea – how – much – to – share – with – you – about – my – personal – life – because – it – will – most – likely – involve – issues – about – my – husband – leaving – his – underwear – around – (or something similar) – and – my – husband – is – your – pastor – and – you – probably – don’t – want – to – hear – about – his – underwear.
4. You know you’re a pastor’s wife when…â€Ârich†(monetarily speaking) is not in your vocabulary. Never has been. Never will.
5. You know you’re a pastor’s wife when…you’re either extremely uncomfortable or extremely gleeful (depending on your personality) when you’re in a conversation with someone who uses lots of four-letter words and then asks you the question, “So, what does your husband do?â€Â
Granted, Amy’s situation isn’t the case for every wife of a pastor, but I’m guessing those of you who are married to someone in the ministry or are in ministry yourself can relate to one or more of the items on the list.
How do we change this? Clearly this is a case of unfair expectations and demands not only on a pastor, but on his family as well–namely his wife. (I realize that there is a whole segment of the Church population we are missing–pastors husbands–but that’s a different post altogether.)
What do you think? What does the 21st Century Church look like for the pastor’s wife?
[Image Credit: AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com]
You excluded a small but growing group by failing to use gender inclusive language…should be pastor’s spouse…some of them are husbands:-)
Love this thought, Sara! I'm interested to hear what some pastor hubbies have to say other there!
my husband finds it very hard to be a pastor/minister's spouse – for so many reasons, not the least of which he finds no support in the institutional "church" for it… mostly, we walk through it together doing the best we can…
sara
Sara! you graduate in a couple days! I was going to say, what if i end up marrying a pastor? What is my "role"? Is there one? Are we making it all up? Also, what does it mean for a couple to be a team in ministry? Do secular career aspirations that break a lot of people up matter so much in ministry?
Hey Jason – graduating in six days now…. wow!
i don't know – robbie and i have been married for (nearly) 20 years – we have always worked together – we met in medical school – did our psychiatry residencies together – served together in the Air Force and have practiced together pretty much ever since… we actually like working together – i think that is, for us, part of being married – really liking each other…
as far as career aspirations breaking folks up… i personally think all of that has to do more with human pride than anything else and that it can and does happen in the church just as often as it does in the secular world… it works for robbie and me because we both recognize and appreciate our strengths and weaknesses…
sara
Sara! Did you read the second-to-last sentence in the post? I got nothin' but love for the pastor's hubby
i did read it and appreciate the nothing but love part… but we just never talk about pastor's hubbies and i think that is a crying shame…
one of my family's dirty little secrets is that every Monday night from January to May we all gather around the TV to watch 24… this season has fascinated me with the woman president – but what was even more fascinating was how hard the writers had to work to find any role for the first gentleman and how quickly they marginalized him. i think it is the same for the pastor's husband – we don't talk much about it because it is just easier to marginalize them – i don't fully understand why it is, but do know that it happens… and it's painful both for the husbands and for the wives they work so hard to support- add to that, pastor's husband have virtually no support system… it's a tough gig and a rare guy who is up to the challenge… i am fortunate to have one of them…
sara
As I a pastor's husband, I have it easy. I am a youth pastor at another church 20 miles away, so I see very little of my wife's congregation. To some of her newer members, I am a mythical figure and I have been accused of being an actor she hires to "play" her husband. It's probably a good thing, because I'm not sure what the churches expectations would be if I was ever around.
Interesting entry (as is the whole series). I'm confident that 1-3 doesn't apply to my Pastor's wife Denise, nor any of the other Pastor's wives. I think it may have to do with the fact that they're involved with ministries within the church. But while everybody knows Denise is Pastor Greg's wife, she's just….Denise.
Perhaps its her involvement within ministries at the church that helps. She's part of those relationships that come out of people working together in ministry and such, she is very close to people within the church and because she maintains the same kind of transparency that her husband does, that we'd all get a kick out of hearing about Greg leaving his underwear around instead of getting uncomfortable about it.
It will be interesting to see what others have to say.
Jay, LOVE you feel your pastors wife is an exception to this! That's GREAT! In all curioiusity, I wonder if she agrees. Sometimes the women who seem the most comfortable with the whole "role" and do truly enjoy it (which is a gift!) also have a little piece that wishes she were totally anonymous. You did not marry your husband (or not marry him) because he is a pastor just like you did or didn't marry him for being an insurance man.
I'm sure (if you got down to it) there are moments she's at a store or at a restaurant with friends and people just STARE at her (seems to happen in larger congregations). As much as I'm sure she's a down-to-earth person, sometimes it's tough to push through that thought of "someone is watching me."
Sometimes it's the other around pastors wives who hold them to a standard (knowingly or unknowingly) about who they are and what they should/should not be doing.
Know what? I'll send this link to her, show her my comment and see what she says. I'll even ask her to share her thoughts here if possible.
I re-read my post and didn't want that to come off rude to you!! I'm just curious b/c I know it's a tough microscope to be under. The women who do it gracefully are amazing, but at the core…. I would what it feels like. Clearly, she must not take herself too seriously which is great! I know I just wonder how they deal with it all behind the scenes b/c it's tough to be in front of the scenes so often!
Oh no! I didn't think you were being rude at all! Your comments actually made me think, "Let's see what she has to say." I thought they were helpful.
And here is Denise's reply (She sent it to me via email, but it is a response to Justin's post (and my comment):
"Jay – first I'm touched by your comments about me and also humbled. While I can definitely relate to all points of the "Pastor's Wives" post, I can say for me I have made a choice not to allow other people's expectations or opinions to define me. Have I been referred to as something other than "Denise"? Yes! But that can sometimes be fun and have benefits.
Do people sometimes act weird around me because I'm the Pastor's wife? Absolutely – but that is their issue – not mine – and trust me the "issue" has nothing to do with who I am!! As far as relating better to people not in our church — I do disagree. Do I have relationships outside of our church – Yes, and great ones at that – but I chose to live in community (do life) with the people in my church. True community is risky for anyone – no different for me just because I'm married to the Pastor. If I don't believe in living in community with my church family – then how can I expect anyone else to? I can't encourage people to do something I'm not willing to do! As far as "rich" not being in the vocabulary of the PW – depends on your definition of "monetarily rich." If being financially rich was my goal, then I probably needed to marry a Dr., Lawyer or a Millionaire of some kind. But I didn't marry for money – or to be placed in the "rich" category. I married because God gave me a wonderful man to love, help and serve with. Why would I need to be monetarily rich in the pastorate? I would much rather allow God the opportunity to surprise me with one of His many amazing blessings often sent through His people than have the $$ in the bank. Besides, It's all His anyways!!! His surprise blessings have always been bigger and cost more than I could have ever financially afforded in life!
As far as being uncomfortable in a conversation with four letter words then they ask what my husband does — I may be weird, but I love it for two reasons 1. Their reaction (which can be hysterical!) and 2. The opportunity to share my story and what God has and is doing in my life. I have creative opportunities to do that in those situations that others will never have. To me it's a benefit because when they find out I am the PW, (depending on how I respond) they will often open up in a way that maybe they never have with anyone before. On some level, everyone is searching for something and if I can't get past whatever technique they use for shock factor with me, then how can I be Jesus to them?
Sorry for the long post, but that's how I see it from my "pew"! :p As far as the expectations of the PW – who cares – I'm me – created uniquely by the One and Only Almighty God to bring glory to His name in the way that only I can!! I have to be the part of the body He's made me to be. If I don't (even because of people's expectations of me) then I am causing the body of Christ not to function as He desires it to!
Do I have "moments" – sure – who doesn't? Do I experience pain in the Pastorate? Absolutely, but it's in the pain that God grows me. Without it, I don't stand a chance of becoming Christ-like in the process. Do I sometimes wish I were anonymous -no- because as a Christ follower my light should shine bright – whether I'm the PW or not! As for the "someone is always watching me" feeling, yes – someone is always watching us – but hopefully I don't see it that way because I'm a "PW" but rather because maybe they see something different in me they long to possess. There have always been expectations upon the PW and always will be. The way I see it, I have a choice of living under them or not. The advantage I see that the 21st century PW has is she is not alone and she has way more freedoms, advantages, love, support and resources today to be the woman God has called her to be than ever before! To steal from J&K+8 -It's a hard life – but it's my life – and at the end of the day I could not be happier being anything other than who God made me to be and the role He has given me to play!"
This woman need to write a book!! Kudos to her for being able to seperate it all in such a wonderful way. Props to her!
What would we think if our pastors wife:
What if she wasn't highly involved in the church? Instead she volunteerd for what she was passionate about or spent more time at the gym or at home with friends and family?
What if she was involved and then decided to step away? Would we look down upon her?
What if you didn't she her regularly or people didn't have the chance to engage with her all the time?
What if she had a beer with dinner in public and once in awhile (gasp) cursed?
What if she wore flip flops and trendy clothes to church instead of a suit?
What if she didn't get involve with the children's ministry?
What if when people complained she wasn't "visible enough" she didn't change a thing?
What if the role of a pastor's wife changes to be more balanced along with the pastor's life (and hours and time) being more balanced?
What if her best friends were outside of your home church?
what if she were a dude!
and what if all of the above applied (gasp!) to the pastor…
pretty well describes my life:-)
I like these… What else do pastors wives feel like they don't have permission to do? Better yet, what does the new 21st century model look like?
Those all sound familiar! As in… I do (or don't do) a lot of that.
- I'm not highly involved (visibly) at the church, but I do behind the scenes stuff (church websites/email, support the pastor when no one else seems to want to…).
- I probably do spend more time with friends/family than I do at the church
- I will occasionally have a beer with dinner (so will hubby! oh scandalous…)
- I wear flip flops and "trenedy" stuff to church. Even jeans now and then if I'm feeling really crazy….
- I don't work with kids. At all.
- All of my best friends are outside of the church.
I don't see it so much as a 'rebellion' against typical pastors spouses (not just wives!) roles, I see it more along the lines of being somewhat more in line with the current century that I live in I guess. I try to avoid letting the 'role' define me, I just try to be me… however the pressures to be/act a certain way definitely sneak into the thought process from time to time.
Great post Justin!
I suspect some of these "What if's" depend on the specific church or denomination's culture. Beer with dinner? No problem for Presbyterians or Episcopalians. Baptists or Nazarene? That's entirely different. Jeans or suit? In my experience, that might be more specific to the local community.
Involvement with the ministry might be more of an issue that touches all of us clergy spouses. I think it takes a strong personality to withstand expectations about being visible every time the church door is unlocked, and a lot of spouses struggle with that.
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As a pastor's wife I can relate with much of what has been said throughout the dialogue here today.
Sometimes I feel like I am expected to have my hands in everything but I know in my heart that I just don't want that. I chose my husband for him, not his calling and he chose me as his wife, not a partner in ministry. I feel I am most supportive when I give my pastor hubby room to be at peace in our home, a place to share about his crazy ministry days IF he feels like rehashing things and support relationally with the people of the church.
I do not have a title nor do I want one. I do not command respect as a "First Lady" but hope the people through getting to know me will respect me for the woman, mother and wife that I am.
I too wear jeans to church (we are a pretty casual community), I have declined to continue serving in the kids ministry (helped out at first but wow, that's not for me), and I feel like I don't have many people to be REAL with considering my hubby (their pastor) who is wonderful mostly, can get on my nerves with his inability to remember to take out the trash, pick up clothes, etc.
All in all I am glad to have the life we do, just hope that someday expectations can chill and we can just BE who God created us to be.
Really enjoyed your comment, Kristen… Thanks for giving us this snapshot into your life!
If nothing else, I hope you can read here and in Amy's post that you're not alone!
What would you say is the biggest misconception about pastors or pastors spouses?
The biggest misconception ? Only one?
People who think my name is "Our Pastor's Wife," really, really bother me. That one's at the top of the list of nearly every clergy wife I know — and I would be interested whether clergy husbands have the same problem.
Financial misconceptions are probably next on the list. This would be the widespread belief that the Pastor's family can afford the same level of lifestyle as the prominent church members on a fraction of their salary. As if the pastor's family gets some special mortgage rate, and that fantasy "clergy discount" at Kroger, Wal-Mart, and L.L.Bean!
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